Middle age is a perplexity.
Only God knows the number.
It might be 40, maybe 65
til I’m half way to six feet under
Tag: humor
Evil brewing, stewing
There’s a chance I may be evil
(I’m testing the theory.)
The laugh in my head is now deep dark and baritone
instead of light and cheery.
Santa’s waistline
Chimneys may look brick
but me thinks its brick looking rubber.
How else does Santa and his girth
descend with all that blubber?
Life Potpourri
There ain’t no Book of Life
at the Pearly Gates.
Instead, God sniffs your life potpourri
and (Bam!) He knows your fate.
You see, all your thoughts and actions
from the kind to oh-so-evil
dry into life potpourri
ready for Divine retrieval.
Angels flank him at His sides
(with espresso beans in hand),
cleansing his nasal palate
prevents a misreading of “bland!”
If God wrinkles his nose at your bowl
(or worse!) recoils in disgust:
your plans for everlasting bliss
perchance are a bit robust.
And if God should have a cold that day
and his olfactory sense is missing.
You’ll join the queue in Purgatory
till His nose has had some fixing.
His Saints potpourri is in His sock drawer.
His Angels in sachets.
His do-gooders are on His mantel.
His devotees by His ashtray.
Oh the Humility
I’m the flagship store.
I’m the grand debut.
I’m the gasps, the clicks,
the points, the stares.
Did you know that I’m HQ?
I’m the reason for confetti.
The cheers, the “hip hip hoorays!”
I am the Honoree,
the Mother-ship,
the encore at the ballet.
I’m the ceremony.
The Laureate.
I take the cake.
In this little thing called life
did you know I raise the stakes?
Late Bloomer
If they call you a late bloomer
just say “hip hip hooray.”
One day you’ll start-a-bloomin’
while they’ll be darning their crochet.
Mini poems on Motherhood
Sunday best
now a mest.
Baby grabbed spoon!
(Harvard bound!)
Maybe not so soon…
(spoon on ground).
Peek a boo round four
cute beyond belief.
Peek a boo round thirty-five,
mama wants aperitif.
Birth plan devised
(no nurse shall it hinder!)
Contractions start…
plan out the vinder!
In public
baby vocals
sounds great deal like
prepubescent yoddle.
Domestic Goddess
Domestic Goddess
I am not.
Goddess? Yes
(just sans the mop).
Skinny Santa
Mrs. Clause put Santa on a diet
but now he’s sitting in a cell.
His christmas eve mission this year…well,
did not really go so well.
Section 2 (breaking & entering)
was his Christmas morning crime.
With no rosey cheeks or stomach round
he wasn’t recognized!
Thud! Santa flew down the chimney
(his belly used to provide some friction)
This year presents weren’t on his mind
… cupboard raiding was his mission!
Spotting the milk and cookies
he raced to them in a flash.
Soon only crumbs and drops were left
……but Santa wanted the stash!
He would have gotten away with it
if after the cookies he did scury.
It was the sound of pots and pans that night
that awoke the Jones in a fury.
“At 3am he stood in my kitchen,
a skinny Santa eatting my squid!
He even brought his own apron that said:
“Being naughty saves me a trip!””
So Santa has a mugshot now
But his regrets are zero, null!
His grin has a message clear
“at least my tummy’s nice and full.”
Virus Cure
Oh the virus has infected you!
It’s rampant and you’re teeming!
To cure yourself? Only one way!
Look at life as though your dreaming
The voice of an unpublished writer
I think I’ll write poetry for life
without care of what minds think.
Afterall should you not like it now
…. perhaps you will after a drink.
Refuse to be a side dish in life
Be not the green beans, mash or niblet corn
grab the wheel of life and honk that horn!
The last place the Zoo Keeper might look….
There’s an elephant in the bathtub
(the drains clogged with peanut shells once more).
Theres a chinchilla in the bedroom
who only answers to “senor.”
There’s a hippo counting spin cycles
of a sparrow in the dryer
(he’s searching for his sparrow pants
that have a 2 for 1 worm buffet flyer).
There’s a penguin in the freezer
waiting for the ice box to set.
There’s pack of lions in the study
learning to play russian roulette.
There are 10 rats wearing spoons as helmuts
riding down the garbage chute.
There’s a german owl getting elocution lessons
“no no! It’s not “voot”…its “hoot!”
There’s a giraffe in the dining room
sneering: “uh, such taste nouveau!”
There’s a zoo keeper looking into empty cells
and thinking one thing: “uh oh.”
The most convenient Dentist
New dentist open for business
no appointment is required.
All you need to do is let him know
what time each day you’re tired.
He’ll pop by close to bedtime
as he does with all his patients
He’ll yawn 10 times right in your face
(since yawing is contagious!).
On cue as you yawn back to him
be sure to open wide,
he’ll clean your teeth at lightning speed
and take a look inside.
Should you fall alseep on him
and chomp down on his tools
I’m afraid his fees go up for his
(as does cleaning your drool).
An extra fee is charged as well
for cleaning as you sleep-walk.
And for an extra hundred flat
he’ll record what you sleep -talk!
He’s only had one complaint thus far
“In defense, she does look fetching”
Cindy Loo might disagree:
(he attached her braces to her bedding!)
No matter your opinion though
(and most do think his skills are splendid)
To your complaint he’ll always say:
“I’m tooth fairy recommended!”
Relationship Reality Check
If distance makes the heart grow fonder
do you look at yours & think “go wander”
Chez Pierre?
Chez Pierre?
I’m calling to discuss your duck
I’ve heard its the best in town.
But I’m not convinced.. not one bit
so take these instructions down.
Before I dine in 2 weeks time I like
to learn your pre cooking technique.
Not from your chef or maitre’d
but from your duck’s own beak!
Please start him on an English course
excelerated written and verbal.
I won’t tolerate “it can’t be done”
I just met turkish speaking gerbal!
If his answer is unsavory
I’m guessing my palette he won’t thrill.
So he can join me for lunch
(…he’ll be handling the bill).
Tunnel of Love
Come one, come all
Don’t be timid!
Ride the tunnel of love
Buy here your ticket!
Feeling lonely?
Dateless still?
Enter heart-a-broken
Leave heart-a-thrill!
I took a seat
and to my delight
tall dark and handsome
was to my right!
But once in the tunnel
there was a gaze on my face.
Uh oh! Tall dark and handsome
had been swiftly replaced!
A pair of thick lenses
stared back at me.
Acne reading science journal
had moved up from row 3!
I considered jumping overboard
while in tunnel’s cave.
“I don’t like bunsen burners!!!”
in my mind I did engrave.
But cupid I knew had struck me
when I had the thought disgraceful
“I’d really like to learn more about …
the perodic table!”
The tunnel had me as a victim
as we moved out from its shelter.
I touched his arm, batted my eyes and asked:
“Is that real polyester?”
So consider this a warning
on this love inducing ride.
Its best to always have a say
on who you sit beside.
Spouce Migration
Spouce migration
from bed to couch
can be prevented by
a censored mouth
***Hi everyone! I will be in Phuket for work so won’t be posting this week….rhyme to you soon!
Cupid Archery School
Cupid Archery School
now open for admissions.
Bow and arrow are provided.
Clothes strictly are forbidden!
Sharp eyesight is required
as is good hand eye coordination!
(While the school wishes the couple well
we don’t want a repeat of last year’s goat / horse situation!).
Applicants must be girth generous
(slim cupids are unsightly!).
Please address your application
to Headmaster Aphrodite.
Should you be rejected
we offer remedial love 101 at night.
NB: Many of our rejected candidates
have launched successful dating sites.
A word from a fanatic Vegetarian
Vegetarianism
is a movement chock full of slackers.
How can you truly worship the legume…
if you eat animal crackers!!?
How to be a Wife
Being a wife is easy.
The rules are stark and bare:
Repeat what you just have said
and be not attached to his hair.
The postbox reads my mail
I have a theory.
It’s no tall tale!
I’m sure the postbox
reads my mail!
Just yesterday
I put in a letter
heard a pen uncap
then: “that’s better!”
I mailed a sweater
to Cousin Doug
heard paper rip
then “…a little snug!”
I’m sure I saw him
blush 1/2 shade redder!
I think he was
reading my love letter!
And for some reason
I now have a subscription
to “Postbox Digest:
Collectors’s Edition!”
I’m not quite sure
on what to do next.
But one things for sure:
no mailing cheques!
Granny in her rocking chair
To keep Granny rocking at good tempo
serve her tea and cake alfresco.
Just ensure the tea’s decaf
(Whispers:) I’m sure “why” you dont’ have to ask…
Don’t you remember the headline from last year’s Telegraph?
Geologists baffled!
Caffeine feuled Granny rocks down to Earth’s Mantle!!
Traffic advice for the brave
Red light doesn’t really mean stop.
It means proceed
(just don’t get caught!)
Yellow light? Ha!
Silly light citrus!
Its point is just to break up
colour sheme christmas!
Green light?
Oh it has two messages key!
Step on the gas
and plant a tree.
Honesty meet Conversation. Conversation meet Honesty.
In conversation
— (interrupt all of a sudden)–
“I’m sorry but where may I ask
is your unsubscribe button?
The worst hostess in the world
“Hello welcome to our restaurant.
For how many? Smoking or not?
Follow me please” (Two steps in)
“Uh oh I think we’re lost”
A rebuffed invitation
Dinner this week?
Cocktails too?
Sounds divine!
Just not with you!
Bad love advice
If you want to be adored
the rules are simple: just ignore.
Ignore him when his eyes on you
ignore him when his calls persue.
Ignore too long? (…to be abhorbed!)
He can’t pursue you from the morgue!
The complex relationship, dynamics and history of numbers 1 through 10
Cliques aren’t allowed,
in the number line.
That’s why there’s an even between
each and every prime.
6 is a rebel.
A rebel.. outright!
(As he’s the only number
facing to the right!).
3 and 8 have history.
Once each other they did resemble.
Until they got into a fight
and part of 3 eight disassembled!
Even 10 has issues,
(oh, he’s deeply blue!).
“If you saw 01 in the mirror,
you would have issues too.”
0 through 9 love living,
a true bachelor’s life.
Fact: all numbers above 9…
have a number wife!
There are some numbers,
hmm, how do this I word?
Like 22 and 44…
that truly me disturb!
9 and 10 have egos,
egos indeed grostesque,
(afterall on the rating scale
they are rated the best).
But remove their circles
(10’s beside, nine’s at the top).
And both are simply “1”
(that always gives their ego a good knock!).
The issues of 1 through 10,
are indeed complex.
But brace yoursef, it does get worse:
just try the alphabet!
The friends that never leave
Sun up fresh day.
Preconceptions go away!
Keep your distance inclinations!
Stay away temptations!
Habits waiting in living room?
Prejudice in mental womb?
Tendancies impatient to get started?
Quick go tell whims that I’ve departed.
Sun down under covers.
Perspective’s here
as are the others.
With good intentions I tried to stray
but all they said was “not today.”
Wait, where’s habit? He’s gone I think!
Oh he’s just up getting a drink.
The perfect guest
To please one’s host
is not a science.
If food disgusts
blame the appliance.
Buggy on laptop screen
A buggy sits on laptop screen.
In one spot it does hover.
How do I break its buggy heart?
It thinks the cursor is its mother!
Some good advice
If one’s dizzy
drink some fizzy.
Rumble Roar
There’s a rumble
I can’t ignore
It rumbles loud
It rumble roars!
This rumble from my thoughts won’t vanish
The world is ending?
Nope, just famished!
When I’m old
When I’m old I’ll fill my wrinkles
with some skin coloured sprinkles.
My face will be a mosaic
and no longer will I look archaic.
Birdy Funny
Birdy worm
in birdy tummy.
Birdy poop on head
is birdy funny!
Breakfast and Work
Scrambled boss for breakfast
with a side of water cooler.
A steaming cup of deadline
topped with inter-office rumours!
Email egg at lunchtime.
Bacon’s down my back once more.
Toast wants to see the figures.
Coffee’s meeting was a bore!
Matchmaking by the Phone
My phone doesn’t like my boyfriend,
on our calls I know he’s listening.
He often crosses the line & whispers….
“try him, he’s much more interesting!”
The worst patient
Hello Doctor.
I’m unwell.
My fever’s feving,
my brain has swelled.
My knees are knocking double time
and I cannot stop speaking in rthyme!
I think your reading material gave me bronchitus
and your doorknob….arthritis!
Your previous patient, her dignosis?
It looked like rubella with slight neurosis!
You better write me her prescription,
as it seems I’ve got her affliction.
How clean is that stethoscope?
Wait – have you sworn the Hippocatric Oath?
Doctor, is that mole benign?
Tell me Doctor… are you feeling fine?
Execu-manage-chief-inator
I’m an Execu-manage-chief-inator.
I Execu-manage!
It’s my job to process-alize:
Chief-inator-execu-damage!
The Social Life of my Organs
My lungs are the grocery store.
My spleen is at a premiere.
My colon is at therapy
(he’s got digestion related fears!)
My pancreas is pool side.
My liver’s skipping school.
My ears are at a coffee shop
reading poetry to my drool!
My gall bladder is down on Main street
(He’s dry cleaning all his shirts).
My stomach is picketing 24 hours:
“I’ll only take dessert!”
My throat is out of office
(he’s learning how to drive)
which just leaves my heart and me
…..and means I’m still alive!
Baby Observation
Baby smiling
Coo chi coo!!
Baby screaming
Puppy will do!
Pencil loves Eraser
Pencil loves eraser.
Swirls of lead love fill his tummy.
He’ll even face the sharpener
to get close to his gummy!
Feet and Brain
My feet and brain
have an alliance.
Brain thinks a thought
and then…defiance!
My feet follow through
and start to walk.
Consult me first?
They do not!
I’m a little scared,
I cannot lie,
what if brain thinks the thought
“I’d like to try….:”
A Norwegian sandwich,
an Alaskan pie,
Italy’s pizza,
China’s stir fry.
I’ll be walking all day!
Walking all night!
Well…
at least I’ll build an appetite!
The Universe is Expanding!!
The Universe’s expanding,
he’s a little over weight.
And no wonder so!
Have you seen what’s on his plate?
He eats planets by the cosmos,
asteroids by the dozen.
He even ate Centauras A
(Milky way’s distant cousin!)
He sprinkles suns with moon dust,
loves a supernova platter.
And just when you think he’s done, he says…
“bring on the Antimatter!”
He can’t say no to Nebula
or a Satellite with his tea.
His favorite thing to midnight munch?
…..dark Energy!
“I’ve tried wearing Black Holes
they’re slimming but not much.
When gravity pulls you out not down
life is a little tough!”
The universe’s expanding
one thing I must you tell:
it’s too late to escape him since
he’s eatten you as well!
