Life Potpourri

There ain’t no Book of Life
at the Pearly Gates.
Instead, God sniffs your life potpourri
and (Bam!) He knows your fate.

You see, all your thoughts and actions
from the kind to oh-so-evil
dry into life potpourri
ready for Divine retrieval.

Angels flank him at His sides
(with espresso beans in hand),
cleansing his nasal palate
prevents a misreading of “bland!”

If God wrinkles his nose at your bowl
(or worse!) recoils in disgust:
your plans for everlasting bliss
perchance are a bit robust.

And if God should have a cold that day
and his olfactory sense is missing.
You’ll join the queue in Purgatory
till His nose has had some fixing.

His Saints potpourri is in His sock drawer.
His Angels in sachets.
His do-gooders are on His mantel.
His devotees by His ashtray.

Skinny Santa

Mrs. Clause put Santa on a diet

but now he’s sitting in a cell.

His christmas eve mission this year…well,

did not really go so well.

Section 2 (breaking & entering)

was his Christmas morning crime.

 With no rosey cheeks or stomach round

he wasn’t recognized!

Thud! Santa flew down the chimney

(his belly used to provide some friction)

This year presents weren’t on his mind

… cupboard raiding was his mission!

Spotting the milk and cookies

he raced to them in a flash.

 Soon only crumbs and drops were left

 ……but Santa wanted the stash!

He would have gotten away with it

 if after the cookies he did scury.

It was the sound of pots and pans that night

that awoke the Jones in a fury.

“At 3am he stood in my kitchen,

 a skinny Santa eatting my squid!

He even brought his own apron that said:

“Being naughty saves me a trip!””

So Santa has a mugshot now

But his regrets are zero, null!

His grin has a message clear

“at least my tummy’s nice and full.”

Virus Cure

Oh the virus has infected you!

It’s rampant and you’re teeming!

To cure yourself? Only one way!

Look at life as though your dreaming

The voice of an unpublished writer

I think I’ll write poetry for life

without care of what minds think.

Afterall should you not like it now

…. perhaps you will after a drink.

Refuse to be a side dish in life

Be not the green beans, mash or niblet corn

grab the wheel of life and honk that horn!

The last place the Zoo Keeper might look….

There’s an elephant in the bathtub

 (the drains clogged with peanut shells once more).

Theres a chinchilla in the bedroom

who only answers to “senor.”

There’s a hippo counting spin cycles

of a sparrow in the dryer

(he’s searching for his sparrow pants

that have a 2 for 1 worm buffet flyer).

There’s a penguin in the freezer

waiting for the ice box to set.

There’s pack of lions in the study

learning to play russian roulette.

There are 10 rats wearing spoons as helmuts

 riding down the garbage chute.

There’s a german owl getting elocution lessons

“no no! It’s not “voot”…its “hoot!”

There’s a giraffe in the dining room

sneering: “uh, such taste nouveau!”

There’s a zoo keeper looking into empty cells

and thinking one thing: “uh oh.”

The most convenient Dentist

New dentist open for business

no appointment is required.

All you need to do is let him know

what time each day you’re tired.

He’ll pop by close to bedtime

as he does with all his patients

He’ll yawn 10 times right in your face

 (since yawing is contagious!).

On cue as you yawn back to him

be sure to open wide,

he’ll clean your teeth at lightning speed

and take a look inside.

Should you fall alseep on him

and chomp down on his tools

I’m afraid his fees go up for his

(as does cleaning your drool).

 An extra fee  is charged as well

 for cleaning as you sleep-walk.

And for an extra hundred flat

 he’ll record what you sleep -talk!

He’s only had one complaint thus far

“In defense, she does look fetching”

Cindy Loo might disagree:

(he attached her braces to her bedding!)

No matter your opinion though

(and most do think his skills are splendid)

To your complaint he’ll always say:

“I’m tooth fairy recommended!”

Relationship Reality Check

If distance makes the heart grow fonder

do you look at yours & think “go wander”

Chez Pierre?

Chez Pierre?

I’m calling to discuss your duck

 I’ve heard its the best in town.

 But I’m not convinced.. not one bit

so take these instructions down.

Before I dine in 2 weeks time I like

to learn your pre cooking technique.

Not from  your chef or maitre’d

 but from your duck’s own beak!

Please start him on an English course

excelerated written and verbal.

I won’t tolerate “it can’t be done”

I just met turkish speaking gerbal!

If his answer is unsavory

I’m guessing my palette he won’t thrill.

So he can join me for lunch

(…he’ll be handling the bill).

Tunnel of Love

Come one, come all

Don’t be timid!

Ride the tunnel of love

Buy here your ticket!

Feeling lonely?

Dateless still?

Enter heart-a-broken

Leave heart-a-thrill!

I took a seat

and to my delight

 tall dark and handsome

was to my right!

But once in the tunnel

there was a gaze on my face.

Uh oh! Tall dark and handsome

had been swiftly replaced!

A pair of thick lenses

stared back at me.

 Acne reading science journal

had moved up from row 3!

I considered jumping overboard

 while in tunnel’s cave.

 “I don’t like bunsen burners!!!”

 in my mind I did engrave.

But cupid I knew had struck me

when I had the thought disgraceful

“I’d really like to learn more about …

 the perodic table!”

The tunnel had me as a victim

as we moved out from its shelter.

I touched his arm, batted my eyes and asked:

“Is that real polyester?”

So consider this a warning

on this love inducing ride.

Its best to always have a say

on who you sit beside.

Spouce Migration

 Spouce migration

from bed to couch

can be prevented by

 a censored mouth

***Hi everyone! I will be in Phuket for work so won’t be posting this week….rhyme to you soon!

Cupid Archery School

Cupid Archery School

 now open for admissions.

 Bow and arrow are provided.

Clothes strictly are forbidden!

Sharp eyesight is required

as is good hand eye coordination!

(While the school wishes the couple well

 we don’t want a repeat of last year’s goat / horse situation!).

Applicants must be girth generous

 (slim cupids are unsightly!).

 Please address your application

 to Headmaster Aphrodite.

 Should you be rejected

we offer remedial love 101 at night.

NB: Many of our rejected candidates

have launched successful dating sites.

A word from a fanatic Vegetarian

Vegetarianism

is a movement chock full of slackers.

How can you truly worship the legume…

if you eat animal crackers!!?

How to be a Wife

Being a wife is easy.

The rules are stark and bare:

Repeat what you just have said

and be not attached to his hair.

The postbox reads my mail

I have a theory.

It’s no tall tale!

I’m sure the postbox

reads my mail!

Just yesterday

I put in a letter

heard a pen uncap

then: “that’s better!”

I mailed a sweater

to Cousin Doug

heard paper rip

then  “…a little snug!”

 I’m sure I saw him

blush 1/2  shade redder!

I think he was

reading my love letter!

And for some reason

I now have a subscription

to “Postbox Digest:

Collectors’s Edition!”

I’m not quite sure

on what to do next.

But one things for sure:

no mailing cheques!

Granny in her rocking chair

To keep Granny rocking at good tempo

serve her tea and cake alfresco.

Just ensure the tea’s decaf

(Whispers:) I’m sure “why” you dont’ have to ask…

Don’t you remember the headline from last year’s Telegraph?

Geologists baffled!

Caffeine feuled Granny rocks down to Earth’s Mantle!!

Traffic advice for the brave

Red light doesn’t really mean stop.

 It means proceed

(just don’t get caught!)

Yellow light? Ha!

Silly light citrus!

Its point is just to break up

 colour sheme christmas!

Green light?

Oh it has two messages key!

Step on the gas

and plant a tree.

Honesty meet Conversation. Conversation meet Honesty.

In conversation

— (interrupt all of a sudden)–

“I’m sorry but where may I ask

is your unsubscribe button?