Relationship Reality Check

If distance makes the heart grow fonder

do you look at yours & think “go wander”

Chez Pierre?

Chez Pierre?

I’m calling to discuss your duck

 I’ve heard its the best in town.

 But I’m not convinced.. not one bit

so take these instructions down.

Before I dine in 2 weeks time I like

to learn your pre cooking technique.

Not from  your chef or maitre’d

 but from your duck’s own beak!

Please start him on an English course

excelerated written and verbal.

I won’t tolerate “it can’t be done”

I just met turkish speaking gerbal!

If his answer is unsavory

I’m guessing my palette he won’t thrill.

So he can join me for lunch

(…he’ll be handling the bill).

Tunnel of Love

Come one, come all

Don’t be timid!

Ride the tunnel of love

Buy here your ticket!

Feeling lonely?

Dateless still?

Enter heart-a-broken

Leave heart-a-thrill!

I took a seat

and to my delight

 tall dark and handsome

was to my right!

But once in the tunnel

there was a gaze on my face.

Uh oh! Tall dark and handsome

had been swiftly replaced!

A pair of thick lenses

stared back at me.

 Acne reading science journal

had moved up from row 3!

I considered jumping overboard

 while in tunnel’s cave.

 “I don’t like bunsen burners!!!”

 in my mind I did engrave.

But cupid I knew had struck me

when I had the thought disgraceful

“I’d really like to learn more about …

 the perodic table!”

The tunnel had me as a victim

as we moved out from its shelter.

I touched his arm, batted my eyes and asked:

“Is that real polyester?”

So consider this a warning

on this love inducing ride.

Its best to always have a say

on who you sit beside.

Spouce Migration

 Spouce migration

from bed to couch

can be prevented by

 a censored mouth

***Hi everyone! I will be in Phuket for work so won’t be posting this week….rhyme to you soon!

Cupid Archery School

Cupid Archery School

 now open for admissions.

 Bow and arrow are provided.

Clothes strictly are forbidden!

Sharp eyesight is required

as is good hand eye coordination!

(While the school wishes the couple well

 we don’t want a repeat of last year’s goat / horse situation!).

Applicants must be girth generous

 (slim cupids are unsightly!).

 Please address your application

 to Headmaster Aphrodite.

 Should you be rejected

we offer remedial love 101 at night.

NB: Many of our rejected candidates

have launched successful dating sites.

A word from a fanatic Vegetarian


is a movement chock full of slackers.

How can you truly worship the legume…

if you eat animal crackers!!?

How to be a Wife

Being a wife is easy.

The rules are stark and bare:

Repeat what you just have said

and be not attached to his hair.

The postbox reads my mail

I have a theory.

It’s no tall tale!

I’m sure the postbox

reads my mail!

Just yesterday

I put in a letter

heard a pen uncap

then: “that’s better!”

I mailed a sweater

to Cousin Doug

heard paper rip

then  “…a little snug!”

 I’m sure I saw him

blush 1/2  shade redder!

I think he was

reading my love letter!

And for some reason

I now have a subscription

to “Postbox Digest:

Collectors’s Edition!”

I’m not quite sure

on what to do next.

But one things for sure:

no mailing cheques!

Granny in her rocking chair

To keep Granny rocking at good tempo

serve her tea and cake alfresco.

Just ensure the tea’s decaf

(Whispers:) I’m sure “why” you dont’ have to ask…

Don’t you remember the headline from last year’s Telegraph?

Geologists baffled!

Caffeine feuled Granny rocks down to Earth’s Mantle!!

Traffic advice for the brave

Red light doesn’t really mean stop.

 It means proceed

(just don’t get caught!)

Yellow light? Ha!

Silly light citrus!

Its point is just to break up

 colour sheme christmas!

Green light?

Oh it has two messages key!

Step on the gas

and plant a tree.

Honesty meet Conversation. Conversation meet Honesty.

In conversation

— (interrupt all of a sudden)–

“I’m sorry but where may I ask

is your unsubscribe button?

The worst hostess in the world

“Hello welcome to our restaurant.

For how many?  Smoking or not?

Follow me please”  (Two steps in)

“Uh oh I think we’re lost”

A rebuffed invitation

Dinner this week?

 Cocktails too?

 Sounds divine!

Just not with you!

Bad love advice

If you want to be adored

 the rules are simple: just ignore.

 Ignore him when his eyes on you

 ignore him when his calls persue.

 Ignore too long? (…to be abhorbed!)

He can’t pursue you from the morgue!

The complex relationship, dynamics and history of numbers 1 through 10

Cliques aren’t allowed,

in the number line.

That’s why there’s an even between

 each and every prime.

6 is a rebel.

 A rebel.. outright!

 (As he’s the only number

 facing to the right!).

3 and 8 have history.

 Once each other they did resemble.

Until they got into a fight

and part of 3 eight disassembled!

Even 10 has issues,

(oh, he’s deeply blue!).

“If you saw 01 in the mirror,

 you would have issues too.”

0 through 9 love living,

a true bachelor’s life.

Fact: all numbers above 9…

 have a number wife!

There are some numbers,

hmm, how do this I word?

Like 22 and 44…

that truly me disturb!

9 and 10 have egos,

egos indeed grostesque,

(afterall on the rating scale

they are rated the best).

But remove their circles

(10’s beside, nine’s at the top).

 And both are simply “1”

(that always gives their ego a good knock!).

The issues of 1 through 10,

 are indeed complex.

But brace yoursef, it does get worse:

 just try the alphabet!

The friends that never leave

Sun up fresh day.

Preconceptions go away!

Keep your distance inclinations!

Stay away temptations!

Habits waiting in living room?

Prejudice in mental womb?

Tendancies impatient to get started?

Quick go tell whims that I’ve departed.

Sun down under covers.

 Perspective’s here

as are the others.

With good intentions I tried to stray

but all they said was “not today.”

Wait, where’s habit? He’s gone I think!

Oh he’s just up getting a drink.

The perfect guest

To please one’s host

is not a science.

If food disgusts

blame the appliance.

Buggy on laptop screen


A buggy sits on laptop screen.

In one spot it does hover.

How do I break its buggy heart?

It thinks the cursor is its mother!

Some good advice

If one’s dizzy

drink some fizzy.

Rumble Roar

There’s a rumble

I can’t ignore

It rumbles loud

It rumble roars!

This rumble from my thoughts won’t vanish

The world is ending?

Nope,  just famished!

The biggest Fear

The biggest fear

Not screaming boss

Fallen deal

Or stocks-a-loss

The biggest fear

Not theft or violence

The biggest fear

Is utter silence!

When I’m old

When I’m old I’ll fill my wrinkles

with some skin coloured sprinkles.

My face will be a mosaic

 and no longer will I look archaic.

Birdy Funny

Birdy worm

in birdy tummy.

Birdy poop on head

is birdy funny!

Breakfast and Work

Scrambled boss for breakfast

with a side of water cooler.

A steaming cup of deadline

topped with inter-office rumours!

Email egg at lunchtime.

Bacon’s down my back once more.

Toast wants to see the figures.

Coffee’s meeting was a bore!

Matchmaking by the Phone

My phone doesn’t like my boyfriend,

on our calls I know he’s listening.

He often crosses the line & whispers….

“try him, he’s much more interesting!”

The worst patient

Hello Doctor.

I’m unwell.

My fever’s feving,

my brain has swelled.

My knees are knocking double time

and I cannot stop speaking in rthyme!

I think your reading material gave me bronchitus

and your doorknob….arthritis!

Your previous patient, her dignosis?

It looked like rubella with slight neurosis!

You better write me her prescription,

as it seems I’ve got her affliction.

How clean is that stethoscope?

Wait – have you sworn the Hippocatric Oath?

Doctor, is that mole benign?

Tell me Doctor… are you feeling fine?


I’m an Execu-manage-chief-inator.

I Execu-manage!

It’s my job to process-alize:


The Social Life of my Organs

My lungs are the grocery store.

My spleen is at a premiere.

My colon is at therapy

(he’s got digestion related fears!)

My pancreas is pool side.

My liver’s skipping school.

My ears are at a coffee shop

reading poetry to my drool!

My gall bladder  is down on Main street

(He’s dry cleaning all his shirts).

My stomach is picketing 24 hours:

“I’ll only take dessert!”

My throat is out of office

(he’s learning how to drive)

which just leaves my heart and me

…..and means I’m still alive!

Baby Observation

Baby smiling

Coo chi coo!!

Baby screaming

Puppy will do!

Pencil loves Eraser

Pencil loves eraser.

Swirls of lead love fill his tummy.

He’ll even face the sharpener

to get close to his gummy!

Feet and Brain

My feet and brain

have an alliance.

Brain thinks a thought

and then…defiance!

My feet follow through

and start to walk.

Consult me first?

They do not!

I’m a little scared,

I cannot lie,

what if  brain thinks the thought

“I’d like to try….:”

A Norwegian sandwich,

an Alaskan pie,

Italy’s pizza,

China’s stir fry.

I’ll be walking all day!

Walking all night!


at least I’ll build an appetite!

What of Dinner?

My father said to me one day

“You must never lie or fib.”

And from that day on and on

Lies never tell I did!

One day he asked me “What of dinner?”

(it was rice and curried goat)

I swallowed once, prepared my answer

confidently cleared throat:

“It’s the worst thing I’ve tried

In my eleven years alive.

It tastes like rubber stewed in hummus,

it tastes like regurgitated  stomach.

It smells like Grandma’s eggplant truffles,

the ones that killed Mr. Muffles!

It sounds like my feet in mud

sticky, slurping full of sludge.

It feels like brains, the dumber kind,

it should be arrested, charged a fine.

It’s so disgusto gross it hurts!

That being said: what’s for dessert?

The Universe is Expanding!!

The Universe’s expanding,

he’s a little over weight.

And no wonder so!

Have you seen what’s on his plate?

He eats planets by the cosmos,

asteroids by the dozen.

He even ate Centauras A

(Milky way’s distant cousin!)

He sprinkles suns with moon dust,

loves a supernova platter.

And just when you think he’s done, he says…

“bring on the Antimatter!”

He can’t say no to Nebula

or a Satellite with his tea.

His favorite thing to midnight munch?

…..dark Energy!

“I’ve tried wearing Black Holes

they’re slimming but not much.

When gravity pulls you out not down

life is a little tough!”

The universe’s expanding

one thing I must you tell:

it’s too late to escape him since

he’s eatten you as well!

Wild Animal Therapy

“Around the room

one by one

say ‘hello”

therapy’s begun!”

“Hello my name is Gilby”

said the Pelican, rather meek.

I’m here because I want to love

my super large sized beak!”

“Hello my name is Eunice”

said the Croc with darting eyes.

“Im here because I want to love my skin

which just won’t moisturize!”

“Hello my name is Mera”

said the Hyena (who snuck from the zoo).

“At least you all don’t have laugh

that can split a cocout in two”

“Hello my name is Stewart”

said the Zebra, nodding in compassion.

“At least you all don’t have a print for skin

that is entirely out of fashion!”

“OK” said the Therpist

(a spectacle wearing Ram)

“Repeat after me, three times ahead

“Im perfect as I am!”

“Im perfect as I am

I’m perfect as I am

I’m perf -“

“Excuse me” said a voice from the door.

“Is this the group for overweight cats?”

“That’s room 606, down the hall”

said the (nervous looking) Rat.

Pay by Credit

Pay by credit,

from life debit:


free time

and self.

Pay by credit

live the lie

that what one has

is wealth!

Sign on the line

balance…. falling!

Ding dong who’s that?

Interest’s calling!

Still feeling thirsty?

Just one more?

Swipe it now

be later poor!

Tea pot gleaming!

Tea pot steaming

kettle teaming

with water

oh so hot.

Pastries gleaming

guests are beaming

Uh oh…

tea’s at the shop!



on the track.

The train ride attacks

thoughts back to back!

No sweets in the kitchen!

“There are no sweets in the kitchen!”

said mother to me one day.

“That’s fine” said I and I promptly left

(her face was in disarray!)


There’s sweety snaps in Dad’s tool box,

there’s coco crisps between our sheets.

“What’s that sound”? in the night says my mother,

says my father … “oh go back to sleep!”

There’s strawberry chews in our fireplace,

there’s frosties in my wall, half a tonne.

There’s sugaros inside our pea shoots,

they make dinner a little more fun!

Above the fireplace my dad has a deer’s head,

that now stares at you with goobers for eyes.

My dad’s engine is full of sweet cola,

that now whistles a song as he drives.

There’s yummy yums in our vacuum,

there’s coco bark under the sink.

There’s munchies munch in the litter box

no one will find them there…I think.

There’s taffy pull inside the receiver,

of grandma’s vintage pink phone.

There’s honeys in dad’s bedside reading

Uh oh…….. these on loan!

There’s gummy chew inside our soap bars,

sweety dew fills our shower caps.

There’s caramelo holding our pictures up on our wall,

fudgee chew fills grandpa’s hat!

So that is why no child checks the kitchen

for sweetums or taffy rinde.

The rule is put sweets in one’s kitchen

And one’s mother will surely them find!

Granny’s Grin

See this picture?

Granny’s face so long?

She had forgotten her teeth

on the garden lawn.

See this picture?

Granny’s gum filled grin?

It’s not an hour later

after some gin!

Cheese Pop, Sit up

Cheese pop,

sit up,

lettuce leaf,


Choco chum,

chin up,


What the point in that?

Dribble, Drobble… Drool!



Secondary School.

It all begins

when one can learn

the art of

dribble, drobble….drool!

Middle age,

the Golden Years,

Senior Citizen-dom.

It all ends

the exact same way…

with the bib back on!